homesickness.

i think that i should have made my blog private if i didn't want anyone to see my life story of 5 weeks.
that girl can fuck right off,the nosey past remarkable bitch. there are some things that people don't ask to be commented about,so do one,elitest.
ahh well,i live and learn.

anyway,i am somewhat homesick due to uni,so i am going to do a few things to combat it.

• going home friday evening to see my family,hopefully staying until next weekend,then my friend is coming to visit me the weekend after. should be awesome.
• get my ireland photos developed and stick them on my wall
• go to york/oldham/rochdale or bury tomorrow,just to get some headspace and familiarise myself a bit more with manchester
• go to the quiffs,riffs and tiffs exhibition at salford museum on thursday-maybe get a cool pencil sharpener just for the hell of it

and this christmas is going to be an awesome one. apart from mum taking me to her boyfriend's for christmas,and working on christmas day (and they're planning to move in together,despite only being with each other 5 minutes). but at least i get a proper christmas with dad this year. and mum apparently rung him up to tell him that he can have the cat,so that makes me happy,because mum's boyriend doesn't like cats-he'd be better suited to my auntie.

i have a lecture in 2 hours,so i'd best scoot and eat my dinner and finish my work before doing things.

through the window pane.

scotland :D
3 words:really bloody ace!
i got told by a drunk scottish man in full regalia (we're talking kilts and sporrans here) that i looked like annie lennox because of my short hair
my uncle introduced me to bavarian schnapps and pineapple juice (he also made me down a straight shot of said schnapps)
i was also subjected to tom jones on the car drive back to manchester and by being woken up by my uncle playing delilah into the bedroom at 9 in the morning
my cousin came into the hall this morning and shouted
''TAXI TO MANCHESTER!''
as well as having a laugh at his phone book (Johnny ''Poo'' being one of his contacts) and his rather funny interpretation of a mancunian accent and his interpretation of salford life,which i did find a bit mean.
my uncle seconding the motion that as a student i should get hammered-which I did.
an intense drunken conversation with a rather good looking bloke.
calling my uncle a ''Bald Bono'' this morning at the breakfast table.
Singing Delilah by Tom Jones on tap.
Listening to Tom Jones sing about Senghenydd and the price of coal,and me just sat by my cousins thinking ''No,I really don't know Tom what the price of coal is'',and then feeling really silly because it was a song about mining disasters in South Wales.
Meeting a guy who lived in Huddersfield and freaking out for obvious reasons.
My auntie's dad's speech on speech making ''Ladies and Gentlemen,it gives me great pleasure'' with sign language,dare I add.
Piling a lot of food up onto my plate and clearing it in one fell swoop.
My friend from back home texting me. a LOT.

I have fabulous family ♥

get over it.

you do not own him,he is not your pet.
you are too possessive and need to grow up.
all this over a bloke who you only shagged once and you're getting jealous because you blew it because you couldn't get in his pants fast enough? get a grip girl.

exactly what people don't need to be saying to me right now,even though they haven't said it,i am most definitely thinking it and they probably are too.
and all this jealousy because he snogged my flatmate's friend when they were both drunk.
they obviously seem to be more compatible,and she's not sex mad like me.
urrrrgh,why do have I to make relations with men so complicated by shagging them straight away?
he hates me after i accused him of calling him a notch on my bedpost.
yet i'm emotionally bound because he shagged me,and he made it clear to his flatmates that i was crap.
my heart is a mess,and so is my head.
I FUCKING HATE HIM for this,but more myself.

hit the north.

with a great big whopping anti-unwelcoming face stick.
i have been here for 29 days now,and it feels somewhat disconcerting to realise that people are insinuating already that they can't stand you.
okay,remember that you must be yourself in these situations,no matter how much it bothers you,people cannot like everyone here.
but it is when you can hear them insinuate said things as you walk out of a manchester pub,and worse still,you know them because you've just spent the past 2 hours talking to them in a socialist party meeting,that yes,it is going to bother you.
but these things do happen.
and it really is a wonder why i don't keep the company of them in the evenings,and tonight showed me that in all its glory.
i get it from the people i live with too-it's like snobbery,even though it's probably me being the snob. i actually have a reasonable relationship with my parents,while the other 4 in my flat keep theirs at arm's length,which is fair enough,but if you look at most of them it's like ''hey-let's go wild-fuck the parents!''. i do have that sense of experiment,but it's more prevalent at an altered state of consciousness. i like to let my parents know how i get on,as well as my friends,and they don't seem to have that interaction,which makes it hard when i'm homesick. i feel like an outsider in this city,and it feels isolated. i mean,there's so much to do,but the people that make it just aren't as they seem. i expect too much of things,that's my problem.
anyway,i have an update on the current situation. i was walking back from manchester city centre yesterday afternoon,and was walking past my uni,and i saw him,with his best mate. luckily he didn't see me,he had turned a different direction and he was on his phone,but his mate saw me and acknowledged me. i was petrified that he knew about the whole one night stand and the argument,and he later commented me saying that he didn't know if it was me,and i did look petrified,but it just made him laugh. people seem to have that ''startled rabbit'' effect on me. sigh.

reliant robin.

so the past 3-4 days have been droll.
i have found myself stumbling through manchester,still with freshers' flu (yes,i know that it was MY fault that I stayed out till 1:30 on saturday morning with the boys,then walked to the Sangam for a cheeseburger,and couldn't sleep for shit the whole night),laughing to myself for no reason.
well actually,given that 3 of my flatmates,and their friends were drunk last night,and they were completely giggling their heads off,and it got to the point where my flatmate next door exploded at 4:30 this morning,waking me up in the process,part of it was their fault. I would have thanked him for saying what he said,but i certainly didn't for waking me up.
though the good news is that i bought a joan as policewoman ticket for myself as a 19th birthday present,despite the fact that they didn't have any for jenny lewis,yet it gives me good reason to turn my room into something more civilised before i go away on friday to scotland. I found myself walking back to rusholme smiling and giggling like an idiot,with the temptation to scream ''buttscratcher'' just for the hell of it. i was still giggling when i got into my block,and tried to maintain my composure enough to say hello to a startled woman who wasn't in the firing line of my laughter.
Anyway, I think that I'm going into town and develop my photos of manchester taken 2 weeks ago, and whack them up on my facebook. oh,and buy some febreze,do some washing, and the shopping,buy some flowers to brighten up my room and buy my train ticket for friday,as well as do all my uni work for tomorrow. a student's work is never unfinished. fuck,do i feel like cinderella. i'd certainly be a 21st century one,minus the wicked stepparents,i just look like her.

shake shake my ceiling.

after 3 weeks,the friendship is no more.
It ended in a spectacular blowout by text,courtesy of a drunken me and a sober him,bored in his flat,getting all the flak for what happened,on a bus back to rusholme,and in my flat just crying in my bed.
I think (and we haven't spoken to each other since 2am three days ago,and i have since deleted his number) that he did take advantage,he didn't want to say no to sleeping with me however much he'd love to think that,and to ask me for a threesome/if i'd had one just epitomises his laddish cheekiness. oh,and more personal things,divulged to his flatmates,just disgust me. he needs to grow up.
It was so horrible that I just slept most of tuesday in between seminars,as well as my two days off,just to take my mind off it. And I got an even bigger shock when I discovered that he was online for most of the day,and I resolved to just let it blow over,which I don't think that it will in all fairness,but if it does,I'll be somewhat amazed. I'm holding onto nothing with this one and my family and friends are advising me to just let him go. And they're right, because I know that I have more important things to worry about. like the fact that i have 2 assignments in the day after my 19th birthday (learning and employability and sociology),and an class test in english a few days later. I also have to read my course text in the next few hours before my lecture today,and do some german grammar for my afternoon seminar. My friend is also trying to get me out to the su,but I only have £7 to live on between 3 days,which is doable,but when my money arrives on Monday I ideally need to pay for my ticket to Scotland next weekend,and I would like to go and see Jenny Lewis at the Manchester Academy,but circumstances are so that I have to make that money last,and I will be leaving Manchester straight after my seminar on Friday. Erlack.
Anyway,my bed is calling,goodnight.

you were the sun in my sunday morning.

i love that song so much,it just epitomises Manchester for me,and it's also a friend's msn screen name at the moment.

i'd quite like to make a trip to Bury this weekend :) we used to know someone who lived there,but they have since moved. I don't think that I can though,unless me and dad can jump on the tram,but the plan is to go to Cheetham Hill to visit the Irish centre. Either way,I am happy.

Though when I say that,the past few days have been a mountain to get through. Me and that guy have been talking pretty much every day in the past week (well,apart from when my mum was up) and it's put my head in a spin. Though my seminars managed to take most of the agony away. I managed to link Engels' Conditions of the Working Class to Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol in English this morning,which quite amazed me given the events of this morning and my flatmate releasing the fire extinguisher on the common room kitchen. Now if urinating in it accidentally is anything to go by,then the reaction of my flatmates was far worse this time round.

So anyway,this guy. I chatted to my friend in my English group and he lambasted me heavily for talking to him,so in despair,I sent him a text saying that I must be so stupid that I didn't realise that he didn't really care,but I got a text from him telling me that it was okay to text him last night and he asked what I was up to. I nearly wept,but I kept my composure in the middle of Rusholme and didn't text him until later this evening,and switched my phone off soon after. I doubt that he'll text back,but I'm going to be keeping myself busy all weekend :D and on that note,i'm off to sleep.

sounds about right.

I just had a lecture on Personality Types,and mine seems pretty accurate. It's funny that I feel as if I MUST conform to something that isn't me at all-it's the story of my life.

I need to stop feeling as if I must pander to other's needs;I am far too much of a people pleaser and I am missing the backbone to tell people exactly what I think. Sure,if I did have one,then people would probably think that I'm a hard nosed snotty bitch for speaking my mind,but if they think that,then so be it. Okay,it's in my nature to be kind to others (half of which genuinely care about me,others who don't give a flying fuck and really don't deserve it,but I give it to them anyway,at my peril) but what if one day I get fed up of people who come to me with their issues and I snap? They'd probably be terrified to approach me ever again,or they would just shout back,telling me what a fuck awful person I am. Well sorry,you just lost yourself someone to listen to you. Walk away and regain the dignity. Something I find hard to do most of the time,but when they realise what they did to drive you away like that,then they may sit back and realise that life isn't all about how they feel. Another thing that I find hard.
I remember being 14 years old,really down about just about everything going on in my life,and this woman (my school nurse) gives me a warning that if I'm not careful,I'm in danger of being classified as clinically suicidal and she gives me 5 minutes to talk about how crap I feel. It's as if I'm the one with the problem,turning nothings into somethings,but they are there. The guy that I like is bullying me at my local Sea Cadets club (I only found out a few days before I left to go to uni that he did it because he wanted to save face from being bullied himself),I have various mental health issues (I self harmed when I felt low,I haven't done it since a bad argument with one of my exes last year,and I am also suicidal). My dad is sleeping with his married cousin,yet he justifies his behaviour by saying that she's in an abusive marriage (true,but this turns out to repeat itself in the manifestation of another affair,on which she chooses my 17th birthday to tell my dad that she has cheated on him. I have always hated her for the fact that she is a woman of ill repute (I wouldn't go off with a married man myself,and those are more my mum's words than mine) and that during those 3 years I had to compromise my friendship with her eldest daughter by telling lies) and I am being bullied at school (I eventually made up with the two girls concerned at sixth form). The solution to that was that I moved to a school near to where I lived,but I still got a hard time for who I was.
College was more of an education,despite falling for someone there,getting back with my ex and sleeping with him for the first time,coping with the happy and frankly upsetting times in that relationship (which often culminated in make up sex,leaving me devastated and used,and breaking up with him because I was moving away,but then I committed a hypocrisy of my own,sleeping with a guy that I had known for 2 years,2 weeks after our split.) That arrangement lasted a month,and I let myself be treated badly. Despite feeling like the injured party,I came out stronger and before long,he was anathema to me.
Then I made the mistake of liking a work colleague,but knew that it would come of nothing-things seem distant ever since. And then I moved to uni and probably made a mistake that still pulls me in different directions as far as regretting it is concerned-I had a one night stand. Okay,not crime of the century,but things seem ever so awkward between and the other party ever since. The whole aftermath of ''I'll understand if you never want to speak to me ever again'' and him saying ''Ok'',yet we have been texting ever since,on and off (I leave it a few days before I do so,and I am the initiator) but I'm starting to realise that it was REALLY just a one off,despite him asking me if he could add me on Facebook and MySpace. Maybe to assuage his own guilt,but then again men/boys are so complicated that you never know what they're thinking,and half the time maybe it's best that way. But if you are me,and you want closure,then it is even harder. The ultimate closure for me is that he is laissez-faire about talking to me,laid back,the cool guy who couldn't care less. But I am the girl who has never seen daylight,who scrapes at the social scene awkwardly and is expected to be like everyone else,getting pissed so that she finds her way into the crowd,making mistakes and getting laughed at for it. That definitely isn't me,and I am shunned from many crowds because of it. I don't belong. It hurts,but I've always known it. I'm seen to the real people that care about me as this kind,loving person who would do anything,to the people who I live with,and the others in society who shun me,I am an easy target,someone/something that they can bend and break. Actually,I am a person,I am not asking you to realise that,but deep down I know that myself,and if you do,then you must be humane enough after all. I may have made my fair share of mistakes in 18 years,but I'm realising now that I'm expected far too much of. I'm hoping,and it may not happen,but it is worth a shot,that I can change a little,stop being so pessimistic (though through this comes realism) and meet like-minded people who won't judge me for my mistakes.

signs that you're starting to become a mancunian/northerner/student tourist

I was thinking about this this afternoon as I was walking around manchester city centre,doing a spot of shopping and taking a lot of pictures. Yes,it is what people call AN ADVENTURE.
Over the past two weeks that I've been here,I've seen a lot of things that seen to be having an impact on me and my new life in manchester,so i may as well give you a list.

1. You get excited by the sight of a tram/Manchester bus. Last week I decided to go to Salford Quays on the tram for a Socialist stall,only to find out from one of my fellow comrades that I was about 10 minutes from Salford precinct and that I was on the wrong tram/form of transport. But did I care? Not a jot! Though tomorrow I'll have to catch the train from Oxford Road...no worry however,that may be even more exciting.

2. When you pass through Ardwick on the train into Manchester,you know you're in Manchester. I get that feeling everytime I come on the train from Shropshire,and it's a brilliant one. Plus it's the hometown of Johnny Marr. GET IN.

3. You spend your Saturdays shopping in Afflecks'. Or is that just me? Today I went in on a budget,and managed to pick out two rather amazing skirts,a pair of pearl earrings,a belt,a 10CC badge,some beads,a hair comb,some sweets, a Smiths poster and a Stone Roses postcard-ALL for £17. I live in that place...

4. The Queen of Hearts pub in Fallowfield/5th Avenue and The Footage,MCR city centre, are the places to be and vodka lemon and lime is your new poison.

5. Your sense of humour changes. You become accustomed to the northern sense of humour and the bonhomie of the city's inhabitants,namely one in a cow suit and chanting City fans,who ask to pose in your photo,even though you wanted to take a picture of the Manchester Central Library for prosperity.

6. You take pictures of anything to do with Manchester (e.g the aforementioned MCR Library,the now defunct Dutch Pancake House,the Cornerhouse,a Manchester bus next to the Cornerhouse,your own university,the rival university (Man Uni) and ''The City of Manchester'' sign. Oh,and the tram going to Victoria.)

7. You pick up the accent. Quite an obvious one here,but I found myself yesterday speaking to someone in a Salford accent after my English lecture,and today when I was in Milner and Webb in Afflecks',I found myself talking to the stall owner in a rather adenoidal sounding accent. Yet he didn't even tell me off,unlike when my cousin did when I was 10 for speaking in a Merthyr accent.

8. After a night out on the sauce,you ask the bus driver to stop off at the Rusholme Chippy. The chips are good value,even better with yogurt sauce,and the people working there will always ask you if you had a good night.

9. The guy in the flat next to you at uni is from Preston.

10. You meet a fellow northerner and adopt his/her accent. (Same as 7 in a way,but different). My best friend back home says ''I knerr'' instead of ''I know''*,and I met a guy from Huddersfield in Freshers' week at the MMUnion (long story there) but as I got to know him a bit more,I realised that he did the same thing. And before I knew it,so was I. My best friend noticed it when I came back home and she commented on it. I then went on to jokingly blame this guy,and he seemed to agree that my accent would change.

11.Furthermore, your friends back home start to notice that you are becoming a Mancunian.

12. You get quite excited when you see a Joy Division/Smiths/Stone Roses poster.

13. You meet a guy called Dildo Dave,from Droylsden. Nothing wrong with that,the guy is actually a legend,but his name is pure alliteration,and being an English student,I think that's even better! But be careful if the guy you're hanging around with at that moment is also called Dave. It made quite awkward work for me introducing both of them to each other last week...

14. Your room in your flat becomes the equivalent of Hiroshima. Nevertheless,being a student with absolutely no time on your hands of a weekend,you decide to tidy it.

15. You meet likeminded people.

16. Aleef becomes your temple.

17. You start reading the Manchester Evening News more.


That's pretty much it for the moment,not that exhaustive,but I seem to be getting accustomed to the student/northern life.



*Her mum comes from Helmsley.

sex sex sex...

that's all you ever think about.

it was two weeks tomorrow that i was listening to that in my dad's house,while my best friend was upstairs asleep and i really wanted to go to manchester. the day after i met a guy at the su bar,and something happened which is obvious,but i'm not saying so just use your imagination yeah?
but i'm currently sat in my room in halls a bit repulsed and disgusted by last night.
my mate from home,who supposedly has feelings for me (5 years too late i'm thinking,then again he could have been thought of as gary glitter) sent me a text saying ''hey sexy,how are you?'' so ever the loyal person,I told him that i was back home at uni and shouldn't he be calling his missus sexy? But he soon filled me in on the current relationship situation (he's on a break from his fiancee) and i needed to talk to him anyway about what happened with the guy in the su bar,and he told me in no uncertain terms that i was being used,but i confronted the guy and he said that he still wanted to get on with me,despite denying that he'd deleted me off msn. MEH. We haven't talked since 20 past 12 this morning,when he gave me yet another kiss on his goodnight text. I think he went back home anyway,so I'll leave it a few days until i talk to him. Then he wanted to write a text story,but I felt so disloyal that I had to stop it when he took it way too far. Pfft.

Besides that drama,today has been pretty good. I had an amazing lecture in English,and I went reading journal shopping afterwards,and then I had soup in the 8th Day Cafe,which was brilliant. Then I found that my German seminar had been cancelled,which was gutting,so I hobbled back to my flat like an old woman after catching a bus. I slept for an hour and made rosti and salad and creme brulee and banana,so I managed to make myself an okay meal :)
Tomorrow it's the stall and job hunting,maybe a night in the MCR,who knows. But for now I'm off to bed,g'night.

solzhenitsyn.

...truthfully,i didn't realised that he is now no more.

i bought a book of his a while back,but i still haven't read it yet...



i don't think my nose likes being pierced-which sucks,but i do have freshers' flu,so i must have sneezed it out.

homeward bound.

after a mad night out in the queen of hearts in fallowfield with some girls and a man who loved my haircut and kept calling me a mod (there was another man who said the same,but also called me gorgeous,but i've learned to realised that it's the beer goggles talking. though he did look like a gorgeous kieran o' brien lookalike (of 9 songs fame)) i am back home and getting used to life back in shropshire.
i woke up at half 8 this morning to get my train,and realised that i'd discovered a different way to piccadilly station and i was indeed able to make my train on time,after making the customary stop at aleef. i've been home 3 hours now,and it's quite strange to be back home in all honesty. i came here to forget about the madness of the past week (texting a guy that i met last week didn't seem to help last night-especially when he put three kisses at the end of his last text-i just walked to the rusholme chippy and put the phone away and haven't texted him back since. long story.)
so,you may ask,what plans have i got today? well,i'm listening to kate bush,and setting up itunes on my laptop,then i might have a nap and then pick my best friend up from college (i said that i'd see her when i'm home,going back tomorrow afternoon),and then go and meet dad before mum comes home. i'm quite hungover from last night still and suffering from freshers' flu,and i'm still not registered with a local doctor in manchester (mental note-do that friday). and no,harold shipman does NOT have the first dibs on my healthcare. not that there's much to defraud me of as a student,and i think that grannies are more his type anyway. that comment is not meant to offend,the friend of the guy i met has a grandma obsession,which is quite worrying i shall admit.
my rent is now sorted as well,so i can breathe,but it means no more crazy nights out like last night,as i will not have that much left in my account once the rent has gone out. i had to fork out about £140 for flat related things in the past two days,which sucks (well,losing your ving card does) and much more on poisoning my bloodstream and ruining my liver. which in essence is an integral part of being a student :)

p.s i am the resurrection by the stone roses is the ultimate anthem of my student life. that and ten storey love song. even though i've only been at uni 11 days,i have a song to mark my first year as a student. now that is purely special.